montyoum

Again it manages to be 6:00 am and I fail to sleep, it’s usual for my mind to be rushing at 3:00 am, though oddly out of usual circumstance, I’m not thinking about my work. I should’ve kept at working 5 hours ago when I decided that I should go to sleep. At least it’ll be 6:00 am now and I’d have gotten something done. I’m pretty sure it’ll another 2 hours from now before I even manage to slow it down. And then finally there’ll be minutes where the unconsciousness slowly starts to creep in and I’ll realize “YESSS! I’m starting to fall asleep!” Which in turn will be enough thought to snap me awake again. And the sleeping pills didn’t work either, maybe I need to take more.

What is it that’s on my mind that has it moving so quickly? For the life of me I cannot recall even the last 5 minutes what I was thinking.

I’m trying to sleep cause I can’t seem to manage to fit the mold of all those other good employees who get to work at 10:00, dick around for a good few hours, start mentally preparing for lunch, take a 2 hour lunch, and then dick around some more… I hate wasting time.

I’m generalizing obviously, but for some reason. People want to make the obvious comparison.

That’s it with people isn’t it? Obvious comparisons. I’m quite the hypocrite when it comes to those myself. Preaching the shades of grey in this world when I myself am constantly pushing for those to fit into that box of black or white. Admittedly I really like to see people try hard, I like to see people succeed. But for that to happen, it has to involve other people. And when you deal with others, due to the nature of humans, everything needs to translate to shorter sentences.

GAhhh there’s not much to do about it I guess.

I forgot about something I enjoyed quite a bit growing up. A good conversation. I guess it’s something that I kinda lost when I dove so deeply into my work that I forgot about the part of me that really enjoyed just exchanging thoughts. In all honesty I used to be good at talking, and though all my intended interaction were always with a purpose. There was always a joy of the meeting of minds. In the rare event of being able to trade words with someone I’ve made a connection with, I’d forgotten the exhiliration.

Ah, I suppose life is too different now isn’t it? Not only have I become socially bereft, it seems really that the only conversations I am capable of having these days is about work. Well, or maybe that’s what comes with age, I should feel lucky that everything I want or can speak of is only in stuff I’m interested in. If only I could get some fair company to speak with, perhaps it would ease my existence.

Ya know I was supposedly a prodigy growing up? People were always saying things to me like how I was going to be great, that I was meant for big things. That came with much failure throughout my life. Ultimately with me dropping out of school, being a bum for a good amount afterwards as well. The whole of the time I’d assumed that greatness would come about on it’s own. It wasn’t only til after I’d grabbed it with my own two hands did anything happen. Word to parents out there, don’t tell your child they’re special, and most important. Don’t give them the message that they should live their life to the fullest. This will only result in them running out the door that very moment, assuming there’s something out there they need to be experiencing.

And no I’m not successfull. If I were I wouldn’t be writing this, nor would my knuckles be burning this hard.

I kinda get it now. Why we write characters who we don’t understand. Burden, it’s not something very easy to explain or understand, you just accept it.
I’d never realized what my burden was til I saw the lack of my reflection in others.